Look Who's Talking!
by Ladya C. Maxine
Summary: Life as the Leader of Dogs isn't all it's cracked up to be, as Inutaisho is regretfully reminded of each day when dealing with his two volatile wives and mischievous sons. Chapter 9 up!
1. Good morning, loves?

Title: Look Who's Talking!

Authoress: Ladya C. Maxine

Rating: K

Summary: A more humorous look into the lives of the inu-family. One father, two wives, two sons: a lot of headaches.

Warnings: mild language

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of its characters. Any and all unrecognizable characters belong solely to me and are not to be touched. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.

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**Look Who's Talking!**

By Ladya C. Maxine

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"Sesshou! Give it back!"

"Make me!"

"It's miiiiiiine!"

"I don't see your name on it!"

"It is!"

"Oh…but I'm still taking it!"

"NO! Bully! Take THAT!"

**Punch**

"ITAI! DORK!"

**Scratch**

"OW! GEEK!"

**Punch**

"OW! HANYOU!"

**Kick**

"OOWWW! I'M TELLING!"

"Go ahead, Droopy!"

**Thump**

"My ears aren't droopy!"

"Oh yeah?"

"OW! Let go!"

"ITAI! No biting!"

**Crash**

"HA! Take that, Fluffy!"

**_Growl_**

"Shut up!"

"Fluuuuuuuuuffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Flu--aaaah!"

**Thump **

**CRASH**

"How much longer are you going to let them go on?" a sleepy voice asked on his right as tousled head of black hair turned to him as the commotion in the hall beyond the doors raged on.

"One is bound to kill the other eventually," was his equally drowsy response, face contently nestled in a sea of silver hair similar to his. "I only need one heir anyway."

"Besides, hanyou's are dispensable," said the third sleeper, smirking behind a curtain of hair when she felt the human bristle at that.

"My son is quite capable of taking care of himself, Larika."

"OW! NO POWERS!"

"I'm sure he is."

"It is not Inuyasha's fault that your child is a cheater."

'_Sweet Buddha, it's too early…'_ he groaned silently, burying his face into his pillow.

"Cheater?" Shrugging off her husband's arm, Lady Larika sat up, glaring down at the woman on the other side of their bed. "My son cannot help being superior to your half-breed child."

"Half-breed!"

**CRASH **

**Thump**

'_Just one more hour of peace. That's all I ask…'_

"It's not an insult, human. It's a fact," the Lady of the Western Lands pointed out, combing a clawed hand through her luscious mane. "Though…it's still an embarrassment all the same."

"At least my son is never confused for a girl!"

"Are you calling my son effeminate!"

'_Or just strike me dead as I lay…'_

"It's not an insult; it's a fact," Izayoi threw back at the now fuming youkai.

**Punch**

**Thump**

**SLAM**

"Sesshou! Give it back!"

"Owww! Let go, runt!"

"Itai! Moooooooooooooom!"

"My lord, are you going to let her get away with calling your son a half-breed!"

"Inutaisho, are you going to let her get away with calling you_ first_ son, and _heir_, effeminate?"

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!"

"SILENCE!"

Sitting up with a snarl, the Lord of the Western Lands shot both his wives as annoyed a look as he could muster in his sleep deprived state. Even the fighting beyond the closed doors came to an abrupt halt.

"I will NOT go through this every morning. Boys, stop fighting or Buddha help me I will make you get along! And you two, keep you foolish bantering to yourselves, at least until after breakfast. I would like, just once, to wake up to something other than my mates' petty quarrels!"

My, how the tables turned.

…And not in his favour.

"Mates?" Larika hissed, eyes taking on a red glow. "So now we are just mates?"

"And you consider your sons' honours as petty?" Izayoi challenged, glaring from beneath messy bangs.

"Honestly, you men are so shallow," the female youkai spat, throwing off the blankets and getting to her feet, straightening her silken night gown over her slender body.

"They're all the same," Izayoi continued, also getting out of their bed, slipping her feet into her soft slippers.

"They come to you all gentlemanly and understanding…"

"…and make you feel so special and awestruck."

"My mother always told me that a man's mind is controlled by his libido," Larika said, pulling on a thick robe.

"My mother told me the exact same thing," Izayoi nodded, pulling her hair into a neat ponytail. "Plus that he can never understand a woman's heart or his parenting responsibilities."

"Like the time he forgot Inuyasha in the woods," Larika pointed out, waving her hand in exasperation.

"Or when he almost skewered Sesshoumaru during their training," Izayoi said, shaking her head in disgust.

"Remember the time he bought you red shoes to go with you rpink hair ribbon?"

"And when he bought your ball gown two sizes too big," the woman reminded.

"And then said that that was my usual size!"

"That was such a male chauvinistic remark! I am surprised you have stayed with him for so long."

"Almost two centuries," Larika mourned, rubbing her temple.

"Would you like some of the muffins I made for breakfast?" the human offered with a bright smile.

"Oh, I do adore them."

Chatting excitedly, the two exited, leaving the confused youkai lord alone in the dark room.

What the hell just happened?

_'You decided to get married. Twice. That's_ _what happened.'_

Lord Inutaisho, ruler of the Western Lands, Leader of the Dog Demons, owner of the three mightiest swords in Japan, was absolutely powerless against an enemy that had plagued mankind since the dawn of time…Females.

'_It's all a dream. Soon you're going to wake up and you will be a single bachelor again, roaming your lands with all the freedom the universe has to offer. It's all a dream--'_

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! Sesshoumaru took my ball again!"

"I did not!"

"Did too!"

"Liar!"

"Owwwwww! Jerk!"

"Itai! Dweeb!"

"Oh yeah! Well…well…at least I'm gonna get the _cool_ sword!"

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"

He wondered if Ryuukotsusei wasn't too busy today…

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Itai: Japanese's version of ouch

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	2. You can't handle the truth

Title: Look Who's Talking!

Authoress: Ladya C. Maxine

Rating: K

Summary: see chapter one

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of its characters. Any and all unrecognizable characters belong solely to me and are not to be touched. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.

A/N: This fic is kinda told from Inutaisho's point of view so all the thoughts are his.

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"Father."

Inutaisho stopped in mid conversation as everyone in the room turned to find Sesshoumaru standing in the doorway, arms crossed and chin slightly raised.

'_Good grief, he takes after his mother.'_

"Father," the pup said again, satisfied to have gotten his increasingly anxious looking father's attention, "I want you to tell me something."

"It will have to wait, Sesshoumaru. I'm busy with the council," Inutaisho said, returning to the maps spread on the table.

"They are dismissed," the pup waved off.

A few of the others laughed behind their hands and Inutaisho rolled his eyes. He wasn't even dead yet and already Sesshoumaru was taking over his command. If his son was going to bother him about those swords again…

"I--"

"Aren't you supposed to be studying?"

Sesshoumaru rolled his eyes, mimicking his old man, and placed his hands on his hips with an exasperated sigh far too much like his mother. In fact, he had the stance hands down pat.

"Don't put your hands on your hips!" Inutaisho admonished, slightly unnerved at the over-all (feminine) picture.

"They're _my_ hands and I will put them wherever I want!" Sesshoumaru shot back. "And I was studying but I do not understand something so I want you to tell me what it is."

He was not going to give in. It was bad enough when he did so privately; a public surrender would undoubtedly ruin his image. Not that it was all that shiny and impressive, mind you, what with years of family scoffing and scratching at it. Of course, the request wasn't all too demanding, especially since it was coming from Sesshoumaru, who was moderately (read: terribly) spoilt, but it would mean he would give his son the satisfaction of knowing he could interrupt his elder whenever he needed something. No, the boy had to learn that there were times when he would just have to wait.

"Prince Sesshoumaru of the Western Lands, as your father and ruler I command you cease this childish intrusion and return to your room to study."

"...Whatever. What I want is--"

"This discussion has ended," Inutaisho said, motioning to his advisors to continue.

"Surely you can answer his one question, my lord," one of the advisors closest to him said. "After all, your son clearly thinks highly of your knowledge to have come straight to you for answers."

Hmm, he hadn't really thought of that. It made him feel…important and all-knowing.

"No I didn't!" was the degrading response. "My teacher isn't here because he's sick and I can't ask mother because she is sleeping."

Important and all-knowing feeling gone.

"Ah, but then you came here, didn't you?" the advisor went on, trying to save his lord's dignity.

"No. Then I asked the mortal--"

"Her name is Izayoi," Inutaisho pointed out, only to be ignored.

"--but of course she doesn't know anything and told me to ask father."

"So then you came here?"

"No. Then I asked the chef but he said the same thing."

"Surely you knew then that your father was the one who can help you," the now desperate advisor pleaded, not liking the way the lord was glaring at him as he continued to dig them both into a deeper hole.

"No."

"So, who did you ask then?"

"The servants, the gardeners, mama's handmaids, the patrol guards, that mortal's--"

"Izayoi."

"--handmaids, the geishas, the stable workers, the healers, the house wife, the warriors, the drunk homeless youkai who is always sleeping at the front gates, the…"

'_Why didn't I get myself castrated when I had the chance?'_

Finally, the pup ended his list with a helpless shrug.

"…and Ah-Un. I went back to ask mama but she is still sleeping so…I had no choice but to come to father."

'_Oh really? How thoughtful. I guess I won't bet leaving you any of my swords, you little ingrate.'_

"Well," the advisor said with a fearful chuckle, wiping his sweating brow with a handkerchief, "I'm sure it must be very important if you went through all that. Persistent little scamp, isn't he, my lord?"

'_I hope you told your family you loved them before you came to work today.'_

By now one of the advisors had held his breath so long in a vain attempt to not laugh out loud that he had passed out and two others were tuning similar shades of blue. There was no way he was going to be able to continue this meeting. Why prolong his suffering?

"Alright Sesshoumaru, what is this oh-so important question of yours?"

That scowl wasn't flattering on his first-born's face.

"Resorting to sarcasm? How unethical."

'_Ooh, big word. Does 'infanticide' mean anything to you?'_

"The question, Sesshoumaru," he reminded through clenched teeth. Out of this entire episode the damn question must be the least troubling.

"Where did I come from?"

A cricket chirped outside.

"…Pardon?"

"Where. Did. I. Come. From?" the pup slowed his speech.

The cricket's partner answered.

"Urh…well…ahem…"

Ah yes, centuries of pedigree breeding at its finest.

"You _do_ know that, don't you?" Sesshoumaru asked in an exasperated manner.

This could go two ways. Either he could choose the coward's way out and begin the whole the birds and the bees story, sparing himself embarrassing questions but knocking himself several bars down amongst his advisors. Or, he could give the pup the plain truth, anatomically explicit and all, while blushing till the tips of his pointy ears and surrendering himself to previously avoided embarrassing questions.

Squaring his shoulders and gathering his pride and leadership, he looked down at the bored pup.

"Every woman has a garden…"

"Oh _please_, father!" his loving (read: soon to be disowned) son rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I've heard that one a million times. Plus the ones about the cabbage and the stork."

Giving his parent a pitying look, Sesshoumaru sighed.

"Mother was right; men don't know anything."

"And what does that make you?" he snarled, fisting his hands to stop himself from ripping out his silver hair.

"I'm but a child who is susceptible, and allowed, to not know everything. But you father…By Buddha, that was just pathetic. I'm going to ask Ah-Un one more time. You may continue your meeting if you wish."

Having spoken, the pup flicked his wrist in a dismissive manner and turning on his heels, he strode out, leaving the large doors to fall shut behind him with a loud bang.

By now even the crickets had fallen silent, like everyone else. One of the advisors coughed nervously while another was discreetly, and unsuccessfully, trying to rouse the unconscious councillors. None dared to speak to the lord, who was glaring a hole through the unimpressed doors.

"Um…I-I think you handled that very well, m-my lord," the now terrified advisor from earlier squeaked out. "It-It is never e-easy to address such a q-question. Right?" he turned to the others, who averted their eyes, whistling as they studied the architecture of the room.

'_I don't believe for one moment that Ryuukotsusei is really visiting his mother.'_

Tbc…

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Read & Review, please.


	3. Gender blender

Title: Look Who's Talking!

Authoress: Ladya C. Maxine

Rating: PG

Summary: see chapter one

Warnings: see chapter one

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of its characters. Any and all unrecognizable characters belong solely to me and are not to be touched. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.

A/N: Again, the thoughts belong to Inutaisho.

* * *

"Dad?" a voice asked somewhere before him in the darkness.

"Hm?" he answered out loud, struggling to hold onto his previous peace of mind despite the interruption and the inevitable migraine.

"Can I ask you something?"

'_Didn't leave me any choice, did you?'_

"If you must."

"Can I go outside?"

"Ask your mother."

"She said no."

'_Tell me something new.'_

"So then why did you come to me?"

"Because you're dad."

"...And?"

"And if you say that I can go outside than I can."

Inutaisho gave up trying to meditate, opening his eyes to stare down at the small pup who had taken a seat before him on the tatami mat.

"Why don't you go entertain yourself within the palace walls, Inuyasha?"

"But daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad," Inuyasha drawled, flopping down dramatically. "It's a great day and the sun's shining!"

'_Only in your world.'_

"Meaning that you'll go outside and get yourself covered in mud from ears to toe and make a royal mess of the palace when you come back in."

"Well then I'll just live outside!" came the brilliant decision.

"Your mother wouldn't be too pleased with you living outside on your own."

"Then mother can come live with me."

Sighing, Inutaisho closed his eyes again, trying to block out the persistent pup.

"I don't think she'd appreciate living in the dirt."

"Yeah, mom is so dainty," the voice in the dark agreed. "She hates getting dirty."

"If your mother says no then it's no, Inuyasha," he got back to the topic before the pup could lull him into a sense of inattentiveness.

Pouting unattractively, the white ears drooped.

"When will I start my training?"

"When you are older."

"When is that?"

"Not today."

"Dad?"

"Yes, Inuyasha?" he sighed, not hiding his exasperation.

"I saw a couple of female warriors training. Could they ever defeat a male warrior?"

Inutaisho snorted.

"Of course not."

"Why not? They fight pretty good."

"Female warriors are only used for look outs and occasionally as spies. War and battle are male territories."

"Yeah, you have to get pretty dirty when fighting," Inuyasha nodded seriously.

"Exactly."

"Dad?"

"What?"

"So _why _can't females beat males in combat?"

"Because females are the weaker of the two genders. It's only natural for them to lose to a male."

"But Larika-sama is very strong. I heard that she beheaded a dragon once!"

He shrugged it off.

"Anyone can slay a dragon."

"You haven't been able to kill Ryuukotsusei yet," Inuyasha reminded.

His eye twitched.

"Yes, well…I'm just waiting for the right moment to attack. I do not blunder towards my opponents blindly; a true warrior depends on strategy and planning."

"So…Larika-sama did it wrong?"

"Perhaps," he said, sitting up straighter. "But a real fighter would have waited and studied the dragon; judged its weakness and strength; focused on its intent; mentally prepared himself to move in for the kill."

Inuyasha simply stared in a manner rather similar to his older (half) brother; the 'Uh…huh' look.

"The dragon attacked Larika-sama's entourage on their way home and killed all of the male warriors. She wasn't even wearing her battle armour yet she killed the dragon with only a common sword," he said.

"I've had my own victories over powerful foes in the past," Inutaisho huffed indignantly. He waved his arms about. "How do you think I managed to secure the entire western lands and build such an immense palace for my family? It took me years of dangerous battles and perilous journeys that would have brought any female whimpering to her knees!"

"I thought you inherited the western lands from your father."

Pretending to have not heard that, he continued, speaking in a dramatically loud voice as his male-ego took over.

"It is us males who pave the road to conquest, Inuyasha! It is we who shelter the females and give them safe homes to bear our children. A female's place is at home, looking after the pups and waiting for their husbands' return during which time she is to take care of him. Some females do try to taste the power we males naturally possess by joining the armies, but they know their place in society and understand that, by natural law, males are simply superior!"

Feeling mighty empowered by his own speech, he looked down at his son, expecting to find wide-eyed respect gazing upon him. Wide-eyed indeed, however Inuyasha looked downright petrified.

"What?" Inutaisho growled, a little put off at the lack of praise.

"_Ahem_."

His face quickly took on an expression not unlike Inuyasha's. Really not wanting to turn around, he knew he'd have to some time or another and so he glanced over a shoulder…and found himself at the lethal end of twin glares.

Larika and Izayoi stood in the now open doorway, the former with arms crossed, the latter with her hands on her hips. The former female's eyes had long since taken on a blood red glow and she kept flexing her claws, which were pulsing with green aura. The latter, having no youkai powers, had her lips fixed in a straight line, eyes narrowed to maddening points and her left eyebrow was twitching.

Standing behind his mother, Sesshoumaru peeked around her shapely legs with a grin.

"Oooooh, busted!"

"Sesshoumaru, leave."

"But mother…"

She only had to look down at him and the Heir of the Western Lands scampered away, not as foolish as his father to underestimate the extent of damage his mother was capable of dishing out when pushed.

"Inuyasha," Izayoi broke the silence soon after though her voice was as cold as a graveyard in winter, "you can go play outside."

"But you said--"

"NOW!"

Scrambling to his feet, the hanyou gave his father a quick hug. Leaning back at arm's length, he studied the now pale male's features as if memorizing them.

"I love you, dad. Thanks for leaving me Tesseiga."

With those heartfelt words, he released the lord and hightailed it out of the room, slipping past the two females warily as if expecting them to lunge at him unexpectedly. Lucky for him, and unlucky for Inutaisho, they only had (homicidal) eyes for their husband.

"Um…"

"Having a little chat with my son, love?" Izayoi asked in a scarily calm voice.

"I may have been a bit out of line…" he said, _slowly_ getting to his feet.

"I. See," the human's eyes narrowed even more, now almost closed.

He did not like how she was restraining herself, nor the fact that she was removing her jewellery, carefully placing them on a nearby table and rolling up her large sleeves. He disliked it even more that his dragon-slaying youkai wife's eyes were now lighting up the room in a red glow while drops of acidic poison were dripping from her claws, landing on the mats and immediately eating right through them.

"Ladies please, there's no need to get all riled up about this. It's just a big misunderstanding."

"Oh, we heard you perfectly clear, Inutaisho," Larika finally addressed him. "We females do know our roles very well. We care for our children…" She raised a clawed hand. "And 'take care' of our men."

The two women started to close in.

* * *

Wincing at every crash and yelp coming from down the hall, Inuyasha looked over at his tall sibling. As usual, when their parents got into one squabble or another, the two were on temporary peace grounds. It never was any fun to start a fight when the grown ups weren't around to try and stop them.

"Shouldn't you give him the letter?"

Sesshoumaru looked down at the rolled paper he had indeed been bringing to his father before the lord had gotten himself into a…quarrel with his wives. Looking back at the door, he quickly decided that his old man was on his own this time.

"I'll leave it in his office," he decided, turning in a flare of robes and striding off.

"Who's it from?" Inuyasha asked, catching up, skipping every few steps to keep up with the other.

"I don't know," he admitted. Looking both ways to make sure they were alone, he undid the strin, unfurled the paper, and began reading it to himself.

"Well?" Inuyasha asked impatiently.

"Can't you read?" Sesshoumaru growled in exasperation.

"I haven't started school yet!" was the snappish defence.

"Whatever, hanyou," he muttered, though he then cleared his throat, reading aloud the neatly written letter.

_My dear Inutaisho,_

_I must admit that I am most intrigued at your sudden willingness to visit me. Unfortunately, I am currently in the north attending my dearest mother, who has fallen ill. I fear that I will not be back for another month. You know how it is to care for a woman you love dearly. _

_Send my greetings to your charming wives and wonderful sons. _

_Until then, I remain yours sincerely,_

_Ryuukotsusei._

_P.S: I will skin and gut you someday, you flea-bitten mongrel. There's no need to hurry._

"You think dad will want to know about this as soon as possible?" Inuyasha asked.

Both turned at a pained shriek that was too deep to belong to either of their mothers.

"He'd might want something to read while laying in the healer's hut," Sesshoumaru concluded.

Inuyasha nodded gravely before grinning.

"They'll be busy all afternoon..."

Sesshoumaru merely stared, wondering what the hanyou was getting up to. He jumped back when Inuyasha took off, running down the hall, shouting over his shoulder,

"Bet I can beat you in a mud fight, Fluffy!"

Narrowing his eyes, Sesshoumaru tossed the letter on a nearby table before tearing after his brother, determined to not let the hanyou enter the palace until he had thoroughly drenched the pup in the wettest, stickiest and smelliest mud they could find.

Tbc…

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Read & Review, please.


	4. A hunting we will go

Title: Look Who's Talking

Authoress: Ladya C. Maxine

Rating: G

Summary: see chapter one

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of its characters. Any and all unrecognizable characters belong solely to me and are not to be touched. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.

* * *

"Hey! Wait up!" 

"Why should I? Besides, this is **my** favorite climbing tree! Go find your own!"

"Nuh-uh!"

Ever had one of those moments where you find yourself in a situation but, try as you might, you couldn't understand how you got there in the first place? That strange feeling of 'What on earth?' that, despite your uttermost inner soul-searching, you cannot begin to explain? Ever had a day so confusing and painful that you promised yourself to banish it from your thoughts the moment the day was over?

**_Push_**

**_Thump_**

"OOOWW! DAAAAD! SESSHOUMARU PUSHED ME OUT OF THE TREE!"

"I did not! You're just a clumsy ox!"

Today was one of those days.

It wasn't fair, really. It had started off normal enough. Actually, yesterday had started normal enough; the consequences of his poor clairvoyance abilities just dragged on till today. But back to the beginning (aka yesterday).

Inuyasha had disappeared sometime after lunch, only to be found by a servant during the evening meal (need he add, hours later). The startled servant had gone down to the cellar for a couple bottles of wine when he heard a dull thumping from one of the many empty barrels. Locating the source, he had been shocked to find the youngest member of the royal family locked within, bound and gagged and covered with honey and feathers, making him resemble one rather big chicken.

"Stop shaking the branch, you jerk!"

"I'm not!"

Izayoi, understandably upset, had crushed the shaken, sticky pup against her, an ideal image of a worried mother. Inutaisho was man, er…male enough to admit that it had been a moving moment…Too bad it hadn't lasted very long.

Inutaisho (as well as everyone in the palace with at least two active neurons) had strongly suspected the culprit to be none other than the heir to the Western Lands; Sesshoumaru's innocent look was about as convincing as the Devil in a cheap sheep's clothing. Besides, the sticky, golden stains on the sleeves of the pup's robes had been all too obvious. Unfortunately, no one had been brave enough to try and convince the First Lady of the Western Lands otherwise. No one, that is, except Izayoi.

"Hey look, a caterpillar!"

"Eew! Those things are disgusting!"

"Yeah?...Catch!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

_**Thump**_

"DAAAAAAAAAD! SESSHOUMARU THREW A BUG AT ME AND I FELL OUT OF THE TREE, AGAIN!"

"I did not!"

Like aforementioned, the argument had only lulled while the women had slept (in different rooms; leaving him with the whole bed for himself. Joy) and come that morning they had been rejuvenated and ready for Round 2, which had transpired at the breakfast table. Heated glares, set lips, twitching brows, glowing eyes, glowing claws, burnt silverware; Inutaisho could do nothing more than pull the boys to sit next to him to ensure that his heirs didn't get damaged in the impending scuffle. And then, as always, he tried to intervene. And, as always, it came right round a bit him in the butt.

Larika has literally hissed at him and Izayoi, briefly covering Inuyasha's ears, had called him something that made Sesshoumaru giggle though his own mother's glare had ensured that he would never repeat it for as long as she lived.

"Ha! Bet you can't do **this**!"

"No fair! Why don't I have floating powers too?"

"You do, you idiot!"

"Really?...Are you sure?"

"Yup. Try it. Just hold out your arms and step off the branch."

"Alright…"

…_**Thump**_

"OOOOOOOOOOOOWW!"

"Ha ha! Dork! Hanyou's can't float in midair!"

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! SESSHOUMARU TOLD ME I COULD FLOAT AND I TRIED AND I FELL OUT OF THE TREE, AGAIN!"

"It's not my fault you're so gullible!"

"_gasp_…DAAAAAAAD! SESSHOUMARU SAID A DIRTY WORD!"

"I did not!"

And then it had happened.

Somehow, someway…He couldn't pinpoint the exact moment, but when it was all said and done the women had apologized to one another (somehow forgetting that this had all been caused by the eldest pup), and had hugged each other, dabbing their eyes with napkins as they went on to tell the other that they were good mothers who only wanted what was best for their children. In fact, to ensure that their 'angels' would get the best, they had then decided to go to a nearby village to buy their sons' winter apparels for the upcoming snowy months. Inutaisho, by now just realizing that they were no longer fighting, had been relieved of his wallet and given a final scolding for 'sticking-his-nose-in-other-peoples-business' before the two women happily strolled out of the room.

That happened hours ago and neither females had yet returned. Honestly, yet secretly, he was relieved since it meant that he didn't have to walk on egg shells in his own palace for once. However, he had soon discovered that nothing worth having came easy. Or rather, nothing worth having came at all. He had been relieved of dealing with his beloved but difficult wives…only to find himself now the temporary babysitter of his beloved but downright stress-inducing sons.

Mornings usually saw the boys following lessons; Sesshoumaru's were more formal and challenging since he was older and the heir apparent, while Inuyasha's were mainly meant to keep him busy and allow his mother some time for herself. The boys would then spend their afternoons with their mothers. With the ladies of the house still on a shopping spree, the tutors had brought the pups to their father and despite his orders (and pleas) Inutaisho had been unable to convince any of the teachers to keep them until their mothers returned.

"Let's play hide and seek!"

"Oh please! That is **so **childish!"

"Fine, let's play jump rope!"

"That's** so** boring!"

"Chess?"

"As if **you** even know how!"

"Alright, let's play tag!"

"Hmmm…Okay. Tag-you-are-it!"

**_Tag/push_**

_**THUMP**_

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! SESSHOUMARU TAGGED ME AND PUSHED ME OUT OF THE TREE, AGAIN!"

"**You** wanted to play tag! And why do you keep climbing back up, anyways? I'm just gonna push you off again."

"Oh yeah?"

_**Scramble**_

_**Scuffle**_

"Yeah!"

**_Push_**

**_THUMP_**

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"

"Sesshoumaru!" he finally barked, unable to ignore the headache his youngest son's constant screams had brought on. "Stop pushing your brother out of the tree before he gets a concussion!"

Inuyasha, rather bruised from his numerous falls, gasped at his father who was sitting a few feet away from where the two brothers had been…roughhousing.

"Dad, you said a bad word too!"

"_sigh_…Concussion is not a bad word, Inuyasha."

"Ooooh, you said it **again**! I'm telling mom!"

"That's it. Come here. The both of you," he growled, sitting up from where he had been leaning against the low wall. "Is this all you do during the afternoons? There are a hundred more productive ways to spend the time."

"Like flirting with mother's new chambermaid?" Sesshoumaru smirked, lying on his back on the small cloud he had generated.

"I have done no such thing," Inutaisho growled/coughed, looking up at the floating cloud above him. "Where did you hear such an absurd lie?"

"I've seen you," was the matter-of-fact answer. "You keep following her around and telling her lame jokes."

"For your information, she always laughs when I tell my jokes."

"Father, she wasn't laughing **with** you..."

Growling, he focused a fair amount of youki towards the puffy cloud above, effectively dissolving it with ease. Sesshoumaru yelped but was unable to create a new one and so landed rather undignified on the ground before the other two males, muttering a rather loud curse that made Inutaisho look around fearfully; if any of the servants heard it and reported it to Larika…

"As I was saying," he snarled at the smaller youkai who was now rubbing his sore rear with a scowl on his face, "there are better ways to spend your free time."

"Like what?" Inuyasha asked eagerly.

"Uh…I could tell you a story."

"It's not bedtime yet," Sesshoumaru scowled, idly burning a trail of ants in the grass with his acid.

"It isn't a bedtime story," he growled, hoping that he wouldn't be held responsible for the charred spots the pup was causing in his mother's beloved lawn.

Sesshoumaru shrugged, now reducing a butterfly, and the rather exotic rose it had been sitting on, to a pile of ashes.

"They put me to sleep all the same."

"Are you saying that I'm dull?"

"Um…" the pup considered the accusation for a moment. "Yeah, I think that pretty much sums it up."

"I like dad's stories!" Inuyasha spoke up.

"Simple minds are easy to please."

"Thanks!" The hanyou paused for a moment. "…I think."

"See what I mean?"

"Sesshoumaru, stop picking on your brother."

"Half-brother."

"Don't even start."

"Look who's talking."

"That's it. Get up!" he barked, standing to tower over both who started, looking up with wide eyes. "Come on! Let's go!"

"Where are we going, dad?" Inuyasha asked, scampering to his feet. Sesshoumaru followed though more out of bored curiosity than honest interest, or even obedience.

"It's time you boys learn how to hunt."

Aha! That sparked some life back into his eldest. Go figure.

"Hunt? We are going to hunt!" he asked, his true age finally showing itself that day. "Do we get to kill? Can I use my poison? Can we use the hanyou as bait?"

"Yes. Yes. Most likely. Maybe. And **no**. Anyways, the time has come for you both to learn how to fend for yourself yourselves."

Heh, that should be handy should he ever find a good enough reason to banish them from the castle for a certain amount of period. His wives wouldn't mind too much…right?

"Hey! The hanyou's still a baby; how come he gets to go hunt when I couldn't at his age?"

"I am so not a baby!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

(Inuyasha really needed to brush up on his grammar.)

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too, to infinity!"

"Are too, to double infinity!"

"There's no such thing as double infinity!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

To think that he used to think Ryuukotsusei a fool for not having any heirs…that damn dragon was obviously a much better clairvoyant than him. Probably laughed himself an accident upon hearing that his greatest rival had, not one, but two sons. Sadistic snake…

"Silence!" he shouted, bringing a halt to the bickering. "One more word out of either of you and the hunt is off. Got it?"

They nodded. Feeling a sense of satisfaction at having dealt with the situation, he turned, long ponytail flaring dramatically behind him (just for the cool effect), and began walking towards the forest that surrounded their home.

_**Thump**_

"Owww!"

Sighing, he looked over a shoulder. Inuyasha laid sprawled out on the ground, having apparently tripped over an invisible root though Sesshoumaru's devil-in-sheep's-clothing expression was self explanatory.

"Sesshoumaru, what did I tell you?" he growled.

The pup merely shrugged.

"I didn't **say** anything."

He opened his mouth, but found that he could not argue with the fact. If it was an consolation, that type of quick wit and evasiveness would serve his son good the day he took over these lands.

Even though…his enemies, not even Ryuukotsusei, deserved that…

_**Flashback**_

"_So got yourself another son, huh?" the dragon lord asked lazily, inspecting his reflection in the blade of his sword despite them being locked in battle._

"_As a matter of fact, I have," he answered proudly, gripping his own weapon, poised to attack._

"_First one turned out as pathetic as you?"_

"_No!"_

_A wide grin as the dark-haired youkai leaned on his sword._

"_Ah. So you agree that you **are** pathetic?"_

"…"

_**End flashback**_

On second thought, Ryuukotsusei would deserve it.

Damn, he hated that snake **so** much.

Tbc…

* * *

Wasn't planning on adding Ryuukotsusei in this chapter, but he's kinda become a steadfast element. 

These are supposed to be random pieces, but the next chapter will be the outcome of the 'hunt'. I just couldn't resist.

Read & Review, please.


	5. A hunting we did kinda go

Title: Look Who's Talking!

Authoress: Ladya C. Maxine

Rating: G

Summary: see chapter one

Warnings: see chapter one

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of its characters. Any and all unrecognizable characters belong solely to me and are not to be touched. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.

A/N: Had to repost this chapter after a couple of readers pointed out a rather shameful spelling mistake. Yes, it is b**ea**r (the animal), not b**ee**r (the beverage). Wow, embarrassing! Actually, I had mistakenly used the dutch version (which is indeed b**ee**r). My bad. Thanks to Salor Earth and Skittles the Sugar Fairy for pointing that out!

* * *

"I'm gonna catch a deer!"

"Wuss. I'm going to catch a **bear**."

"Yuck! You're gonna eat a bear?"

"Of course not, you idiot."

"So why are you gonna to catch one?"

"Because…uh…because I want to."

"Well, **I'm** gonna catch a bear too!"

"You couldn't even catch a cold."

"I can too! Remember last year when you pushed me into the pond? I was sick for two weeks! So there!"

"…Father, seriously, we can send him back from where he came from, right? Even though you don't even know where that is…"

His only answered was a none-committal grunt.

"I bet I could catch a **dragon** if I really wanted to," his youngest muttered nonetheless, coming to sulk beside him. "Right, dad?"

"Oh brilliant, ask **him**. Like he knows **anything** about catching dragons," Sesshoumaru rolled his eyes.

"I am not trying to catch Ryuukotsusei," he calmly said, sharp eyes targeting a few easy targets even through the thick woods. "We're merely caught up in a century-long duel of death and I wish only to break his neck, skin him and use his hide as a quiver."

"My bad," was the sarcastic response. "Either way, you're not really making much progress. Bet I'm the one who's going to have to deal with him when I take over these lands. Gee, thanks a bunch, father. I owe you **so **much."

"If Sesshoumaru doesn't want to do it then I'll finish Rikikotutsi off!"

Despite himself Inutaisho snorted a laugh at the title. Sesshoumaru, naturally, was less amused by his brother's take on their greatest enemy's name.

"Rikikotutsi…Sure. And one day you'll chop my arm off."

"It could happen!"

"No one is going to be dismembering anything in this family," he intervened before the conversation got too bloody. "Now gather."

Crowding in, or rather Sesshoumaru shoving Inuyasha down to have more space for himself to kneel, the two awaited eagerly. Yes, eagerly; a word not usually used to describe Sesshoumaru who preferred to remain either aloof, sarcastic or scheming. Nonetheless, the prospect of chasing down his first prey had put his eldest in a…well, not agreeable mood, but a few snide remarks aside, Sesshoumaru was behaving rather proper. Inuyasha had acquired no new scratches during their trip and he himself had actually gotten what could best be interpreted as a praise from his eldest ("It's about time you made yourself useful.").

"Here's what I want you two to do," he said, drawing in the sand with a claw. "We are here."

_Here_ was indicated with a big X.

"You will go off on your own in this area."

A large circle was drawn around the X.

"I have located suitable targets for you here and here."

Two 'o's dotted the 'map'.

"Sesshoumaru, this one is yours," he pointed to the upper 'o'. "Several small woodland creatures make their home there like raccoons and--"

"Raccoons?" came the expected complain. "Why do I have to hunt rodents? Why not a bear?"

"Because I am not too keen on being made to sleep on the floor, in a full body cast, in my own palace after bringing your remaining limbs home to your mother."

"Some role model you've turned out to be."

"What do I get to catch?" Inuyasha piped up, breaking the glaring match.

"Your target is here," he pointed at the other 'o' though his eyes were still locked with Sesshoumaru's, willing his heir to either back down or disappear into thin air.

Inuyasha leaned in and his nose wrinkled, his disappointed voice drawing his father's attention.

"Aw, dad! Why do I hafta catch ants?"

"What?"

Looking down, he suppressed an exasperated groan. One puny ant had made itself comfortable right in the middle of the circle. He flicked the unfortunate creature away.

"You're not going to be catching ants, Inuyasha--"

"They might drag him down into the heart of their nest," Sesshoumaru said with far too much hope. "And then…they'd tear him into itty-bitty pieces and feed him to their larvae!"

"R-Really?...Daaaaad, I don't wanna be eaten by ants!"

Pleased with the terror he had inflicted on his little brother, Sesshoumaru sat back on his heals, bringing a finger to his chin and adopting a serious, thoughtful look.

"Then again, ants only eat sweet stuff so they'd most likely get indigestion if they ate rotten hanyou flesh…Oh, maybe they'll just use your body as a incubator for their babies! Do you know that larvae eat you from the inside out? They grow within you and when they become ants they eat right through your eyeballs and come crawling out of your nose and ears!"

Sesshoumaru was really out to break his own brother-pestering record today.

"They d-d-do?" Inuyasha asked, trembling. "H-How do you kn-know?"

"They told me."

Inuyasha blanched.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!…Wait…You can't speak to ants, you jerk!"

_**Shove**_

"Hey!"

_**Punch**_

"Oooooooooooww!"

"Are you two done?"

Inuyasha, nursing a now bruised arm, and Sesshoumaru, wiping dirt off his face, gave each other nasty looks too similar to those their mothers often granted each other, but they remained silent. Thank Buddha.

"Inuyasha," he began again, "This is your hunting ground where you'll find mainly rabbits. Now I want you back…Yes, Inuyasha?" he interrupted himself when his youngest raised a hand as if in class.

"Dork."

Ignoring his older brother's scoff, the hanyou asked earnestly,

"Dad, what do I do when I hunt?"

Silence.

"…I don't care what you say, father; I am **not** related to him."

"You never hunted before either!" Inuyasha shot back, pouting at his older sibling who was rubbing his temple as if suffering from acute migraine. "That's why dad is going to teach us!"

"Track prey. Find prey. Stalk prey--Stop me if I'm going to fast for you--Attack prey. Kill prey. Do you want me to write it down?"

"Well, excuuuuuse me. Unlike you, I don't have the time to practice on dad's pheasants so how should I know how it's done!"

"So that's where my prized collection of birds have gone!" Inutaisho snarled at his eldest who granted Inuyasha a sneer for having blurted that little piece of information out. "I've been missing a number of them for months!"

"Oh, stop crying over spilled blood, father. Besides, I only ate them when the human--"

"Izayoi."

"--cooked."

Gripping a rock, trying not to imagine it being Sesshoumaru's skull, Inutaisho counted to ten (five times) and drew several deep breaths. When that didn't work he threw a rock against the nearest tree, his strength plowing it through the trunk, making a very impressive hole straight through the five foot thick base. Such display of (frustrated) power would have made anyone else fear that they had pushed the lord too far. Instead, he was spared a exasperated sigh and a condescending remark;

"You vent your emotions like a female. Though…that is an insult to mother."

'_Think happy thoughts…Do not kill heir…Heir important to these lands…Heir is needed…Do…not…kill…'_

This tactic wasn't working. Time to go to the next level.

'_Think of what Larika will do to you if you attack our son.'_

That did it. Bloodlust gone.

"Just get going," he grumbled, Sesshoumaru's triumphant smile making him look away and remind himself of the painful retribution the First Lady of the Western Lands would seek should any harm befall her precious angel. Women. "Report back with each captured prey. Try to bring them back alive. We'll regroup the moment the sun touches the mountains. Understood?"

"Yes, sir!" Inuyasha said, saluting his father though his big eyes were eyeing the forest eagerly.

Sesshoumaru smoothly got to his feet, brushing the dirt off of his white pants with a sigh. Watching as Inuyasha disappeared into the underbrush, he calmly began to make his way to his marked hunting grounds.

"At least I have a good excuse for missing that history test."

"What history test?" Inutaisho blanched. "You did not tell me that you had a test today! You know how important your education is!"

"Must have slipped my mind in all the 'excitement'," the prince replied, not stopping in his leisured steps or even looking back. "You really should pay more attention to your heir's timetable, father. Buddha knows mother has it down pat. Won't she be displeased when she finds out that you've thrown me off the track she's been paving for so many years."

His sharp hearing enabled him to hear everything till the last word as Sesshoumaru had already disappeared from sight. Gnashing his teeth, he drew out Tesseiga and obliterated the hectare of forest behind him.

By Buddha, he was beginning to act like his mother.

* * *

If Larika had planned to assault him for making their son miss an important test she wasn't showing any sign of it. In fact, Larika reacted a lot better than he had expected. She wasn't foaming at the mouth or sharpening her claws. Quite contrary, she had a delicate hand before her mouth and was trying to suppress her mirth, unsuccessfully as he could hear giggles and cackles despite the clogs of mud in his ears.

"You're home," he snarled the obvious.

A wet glob of mud slid off his shoulder and landed with a squish at his feet.

That was too much for Larika and the First Lady of the Western Lands gave in to a hysterical session of laughs, giggles and even the occasional (un-lady-like) snorts, holding her stomach with one hand while she gripped Izayoi's shoulder with the other. It was then that he realized that his human wife had overcome her initial shock and was now laughing along with her best friend/worst enemy. The sound escalated to depraved cackles and the two women were now hugging each other for support as their knees had gone weak.

Despite their laugher, he did not find the situation half as amusing.

This was not the type of home-coming he had expected. He had hoped to come home triumphantly with bragging rights that his two sons had mastered their first official hunting expedition. He had expected that both boys would have carried home their first prey (though Izayoi would have been less thrilled and understanding of the situation than Larika, being human and all). He had anticipated to have the chefs prepare the kills and eaten for dinner as was the tradition surrounding a young youkai's first kill. He had tasted the sweetness of good parenting and complete control.

The pungent staleness of the mud in his mouth was a poor alternative. The fact that the thick substance coated his entire body and matted his fine mane made it all the more bitter.

Wiping a glob of mud away from where it had slid down his brow over an eye, he glared at his wives, who had now fallen on their knees on the nice, clean floor of the patio, still chuckling and wiping their eyes, though in their case they were wiping away tears, not mud.

"Are you two quite finish?" he growled.

They stopped, gave him another look over and shared amused looks.

"No!" they answered simultaneously before continuing to laugh though by now they hardly had any breath left in them so they settled for snickers and ridiculously wide grins.

"I WILL NOT BE MADE A FOOL IN MY OWN HOME!" he thundered.

"Too late!" Larika gasped, holding her aching sides.

Izayoi was now laying on the floor, muffling her giggles with both hands though tears still flowed. However, being human, she was more sympathetic and so the moment she felt a shred of control bind within her she sat up, wiping her eyes with her large sleeves.

"But pray tell, dear husband, what happened?"

Beneath the mud he felt his face heat up and for once he was glad to be covered in slime.

"I took the boys hunting."

"In what? The pigsty?" Larika snickered, gaining control of herself though not for his sake; Her sides were really hurting her now.

"No," he snarled. "In the woods."

Izayoi giggled but straightened her face when he fixed a glare on her.

"Did it go well?" she asked, biting her lip at her own question to hold in a laugh.

It didn't work. Giving him another full length study, both women cracked up once more and it took them another five minutes to calm down enough to hear his answer.

"We ran into a few…complications."

"Such as?"

"Mud…wolverines…bears…beehives…poison ivy…"

"My son?" Larika sat up, maternal instincts picking up that the male had been in charge of her child and if Inutaisho looked like this…

"I sent them both inside to take a bath. Only a few scratches from hunting in the underbrush."

"So…why are you so…?" Izayoi could only gesture.

"They found their prey, then brought, or in some cases, led them to me before running off for something else."

"Who led the wolverine and bear to you, dearest?" Larika asked, the smug grin on her face evident enough that she knew but asked him just to spite him.

"Sesshoumaru." The name was spat out and his eyes flashed red.

"And the beehive and poison ivy?"

He merely glared at his human wife.

"Inuyasha had 'considerately' thought that we could eat honey for dinner and had mistaken the poison ivy for flowers."

"…And the mud?"

He mumbled something under his breath, making Larika's snickers start up once more though Izayoi had been unable to understand the low words.

"I'm sorry; what?"

"I tripped and fell into a pond trying to escape the bears and the bees."

His pride had never been so mangled so torturously. When his wives began to laugh once again he finally had enough. The heat coming off him was so great that the mud was beginning to bake.

"WHAT IS SO GODDAMN FUNNY ABOUT THIS!" he roared.

"Oh my, you should never raise your voice to a lady. Surely your mange-bitten father taught you better than that, my dear Inutaisho."

Not happening.

He did not just hear that.

He did not just recognize that voice.

Nope.

Uh-uh.

Never.

There wasn't anyone coming up from behind him. Nope, those weren't footsteps and that wasn't the rancid smell of superiority that wafted about his senses. Definitely, there was no one coming into his view right about now. The demon standing before him, free of mud and pristine as ever, was not there. Yup, it was just a figment of his imagination. Probably a hallucination brought on by something he ate that morning. Yeah, that must be it. The eggs had tasted a bit off…

Two clawed fingers delicately plucked a wet leaf off his grimy cheek with teasing gentleness.

"Sooooooo…I assume this was to be your newest strategy in our friendly battles; camouflage?" Ryuukotsusei asked amiably, smiling a fanged smile before his rival. "Very creative, dog."

Tbc….

* * *

_**sigh**_

This was supposed to be loose fragments but somehow it has managed to form itself into an actual story. And you guys have Ryuukotsusei to thank for that. He's the running gag that brought this on.

So, next chapter: Inutaisho and Ryuukotsusei face off. Don't worry, this isn't the 'Final Battle'. This is a humor fic, remember that. So now poor Inutaisho must try to salvage his dignity…which is going to be kinda tough when a little thing like family gets in the way.

Read & Review, please.


	6. Brother, MY Brother

Title: Look Who's Talking

Authoress: Ladya C. Maxine

Rating: T

Summary: see chapter one

Warnings: see chapter one

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of its characters. Any and all unrecognizable characters belong solely to me and are not to be touched. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intent to entertain.

* * *

"Not a bad setting you have here." 

"Thank you."

"For a mangy mutt, that is."

"Since you obviously feel at home here, why do you not transform into your human form?"

"I **am** in my human form."

"Oh, my mistake."

It had to be the lowest point in both their lives. Two full grown youkai insulting one another like children. Actually, Sesshoumaru would be offended if he were to ever hear that. Inutaisho had to admit that his heir was better at these sort of things than him. Though, in his defense, he had a land to govern and did not have a younger brother on whom to practice his snide remarks.

They were in his study at the moment. 'They' being himself and none other than the bane of his life, and he didn't mean Larika's mother, who was Death personified. Instead he was now forced to entertain the dragon lord, his sworn enemy. Even though he wasn't exactly being a gracious host his guest seemed to be highly entertained; he hadn't stopped smiling so smugly ever since the women insisted that all they needed was a good sit down to talk out their problems. Problems? What problems? They could have been good allies, closer-than-kin, friends even, if it weren't for the small fact that Ryuukotsusei was a insufferable bastard of a youkai with far too much arrogance and self-confidence. Even more frustrating was that he had all right to be; his was a kingdom even bigger than Inutaisho's, he was the only opponent the dog lord had yet to defeat, he was a single bachelor and he'd never been subjected to having his enemy see him standing in his yard covered in mud and leaves while his wives laughed at him. What _was_ his secret? Sinister snake. Women knew nothing of these things. Talk things out…the nerve!

"Your wives are rather lovely," Ryuukotsusei said, sitting comfortably in the chair opposite his host, swirling his wine casually in the goblet. "I must say that I am continuously amazed that you have two such beautiful creatures. Do tell, what spell do you use?"

"They are here on their own accord," he growled.

"Are they? Strange, they don't seem like the desperate types to me."

"And what of your love life? Has your cousin finally caved in an agreed to be your mate, or will you just have to settle with you mother after all?"

"No, but _your_ mother seems to be very lonely lately…"

Mutual glare-down.

"Father."

He groaned inwardly as the door opened. Sesshoumaru, washed and looking as impeccable and haughty as ever, strode in. He stopped, however, when he caught sight of the other youkai. Not even a century old, Sesshoumaru had never met the dragon lord but from the older male's clothing as well as the barely constrained temper on his father's face he was quick enough to figure out who this loathsome character was.

Ryuukotsusei, in turn, had never met any of his sons either and now studied the young prince with impressed eyes.

"Ah, one of yours, Inutaisho? A full, pure blooded youkai. No doubt from Lady Larika. Fine pedigree like this is so hard to come by these days. Especially considering that he has you as a sire."

Sesshoumaru beamed at the compliment. Inutaisho rolled his eyes. Ryuukotsusei was going to sweet talk his way into Sesshoumaru's good side. That did it. His kingdom was doomed.

"Allow me to formally introduce myself. I am Ryuukotsusei, Ruler of the North, Lord of the Dragons. And you are?"

"Prince Sesshoumaru of the Western Lands, Heir to the Inu clan, son of Lord Inutaisho."

…What? That was it? No scathing insult to his person? What did his son want this time?

"And tell me, Sesshoumaru-san, how is it that a stunning creature such as yourself puts up with such a household?"

"Mother taught me well," he answered, reminding the dragon not to include her in the same group as The Others, namely Inutaisho, Izayoi and the runt.

"Daaaaaaaaaad!"

Cue Inuyasha. Perfect timing. He had begun to fear that things couldn't going to get worse. Lucky him.

"Dad! Mom said that…"

Again, the dragon's presence made itself known to one of his offspring. However, this time, the dragon was far from pleased with what he saw.

"I see the other half of the gene pool has washed up," Ryuukotsusei scowled, sitting up straighter, enhancing his height. "I hadn't expected much from this one, dog, but now you've truly disappointed me."

Inutaisho bristled, more incensed with the dragon insulting his youngest than him, and was about to begin yet another round of name calling, but stopped when he noticed something that brought an evil smile to his face. He leaned back in his seat comfortably, awaiting the inevitable. He wasn't going to let Ryuukotsusei get away with saying such things about his beloved son; a sparring match would soon come into play, but for now he'd rather enjoy seeing the dragon go up against another worthy opponent.

Inuyasha was puzzled but smart enough to know that this had something to do with him and past experience had taught him that when people spoke in his presence with that look on their face it usually weren't very nice things that they had to say. The white ears drooped and he shifted uncomfortably on his feet.

"A bit of a let down, to say the least," the dragon continued. "that this is the best you and that human were able to produce. One's child is the greatest achievement in one's life, is it not?"

"Your dear mother must be highly depressed then, my lord," Sesshoumaru deadpanned unexpectedly.

Ryuukotsusei blinked. Inutaisho pretended to be indifferent though was swelling up with pride within. Sesshoumaru was merciless when it came to his little brother; taunting him, playing tricks on him, nailing him shut in barrels and then throwing him over the waterfalls, etc. And he took great pride in the fact that he could get away with (the most of) it. So proud, in fact, that seeing others attempting to poke fun at the little hanyou angered him greatly. In Sesshoumaru's mind only he was entitled to do so. Inuyasha was _his_ to bully around. Though his reasoning wasn't really good hearted (it was downright selfish, really) it was always rather adorable to see him defend Inuyasha from others.

"I beg your pardon?" Ryuukotsusei lost his superior face, staring down at Sesshoumaru, who he had thought to be his ally against the inu-household.

Sesshoumaru raised his chin self-importantly, speaking with a pitying/disgusted air.

"Tell me, dragon lord, are you prone to bouts of insecurity that requires you to vent your fears out on the weak?"

Ryuukotsusei, too stunned to reply in his usual suaveness, sputtered slightly.

"Clearly so. Very well. Since dealing with youngsters with far more confidence than yourself makes you uneasy I will take my leave. I will see you in a few centuries after I've taken over my father's lands, I hope? Enjoy the rest of your visit here."

Smiling at the dragon haughtily, Sesshoumaru grabbed Inuyasha's hand possessively and with a lingering defiant glare, he tugged the hanyou past the dark-haired lord, the younger pup all too happy to follow, keeping close to his brother, warily watching the mean bully. The door closed behind the two soundly, Sesshoumaru slamming it for extra dramatic effect.

"Well, I've never…" Inutaisho said in a terribly false tone of shame, chuckling slightly. "Kids these days, where do they come it with such things? He has never acted like that to strangers. I do hope you are not too offended."

Recovering from where he had been staring dumbly at the door, Ryuukotsusei's eyes flashed as he spun back to the proud lord. Putting down the wine glass with a loud clink, he drew his sword and got to his feet.

"I will gut you for this insult, mutt."

Also rising and picking up all three of his swords, which had been leaning against the wall, Inutaisho smiled darkly.

"And I do believe I owe you a series of deep gashes for insulting my youngest. Shall we?"

"Proceed."

* * *

Larika and Izayoi looked up as the two males passed, each brandishing their weapons and baleful glares. Their sons had walked in not too long ago, Sesshoumaru muttering about wimpy hanyous as he tugged his brother along, who hadn't been struggling for once. The eldest had ordered the youngest to sit with the women until he returned before stalking off. While Izayoi had inquired about their whereabouts before that, Larika had returned to playing her flute, only to be interrupted once more by her husband and his guest stomping about with bitter looks on their faces. 

"What are they up to now?" Izayoi wondered, stroking Inuyasha between his ears, making his leg quiver.

"A battle, obviously," she answered indifferently, moistening her lips to continue playing.

"Why can't men ever learn to talk out their differences?"

"Because then they wouldn't be men."

She brought the flute to her lips and blew a soft note…that turned sour when a large blast rocked the foundation of the palace and knocked vases and statues to the ground. Inuyasha jumped into his mother's lap in fright and Izayoi started but Larika, now growing angry of the continuous interruptions in her playing, snarled, showing her sharp canines. Another blast, followed by the sounds of swords clashing washed over them. Sesshoumaru reappeared with an exasperated expression.

"Are father and our guest fighting?" he asked, standing before the three with natural leadership, until his mother stood, towering above him and reeking of destruction.

"They were heading for the eastern lawns," she growled.

"…And?" Izayoi pushed, not seeing the harm in that.

"I just planted a new flowerbed there yesterday!"

"I'm sure it won't be--"

"And unless my hearing deceives me I do believe that noise is the sound of your favorite fountain being crushed."

"Of all the nerves!"

Putting Inuyasha down, Izayoi got to her feet with surprising speed for someone wearing five layers of heavy clothes. She removed her earrings and bracelets, muttering under her breath the many ways she was going to make _both_ males pay for ruining the family heritage item she had brought with her all the way from home. Handing her beloved flute to her son, Larika led the way and the two stalked out of the room, their arms swinging at their side as their sandals loudly clipped the floorboards. The corridor glowed red and black from the youki pouring out of the First Lady of the Western Lands' body and Izayoi's ankle-length long hair swaying with each brisk step.

"Niissan?"

Sesshoumaru looked down at the whelp, who was watching him with big eyes.

"What?"

"Thanks for sticking up for me back there."

"No problem…"

Inuyasha smiled widely at him.

"…And in order to pay me back you will now be my slave and servant for a month."

"Huh? No fair! I didn't ask for your help!"

"Don't raise your voice at your master! Now make me something to eat, or I'll tell your mother that you're the one who keeps peeing in the flowerpots."

While two angry females separated, and consequently assaulted, the two males outside in the burnt patch of wasteland that had once been their cherished gardens, one little hanyou, with much contempt, followed the other to the kitchen, trying to memorize the list of remaining the chores his big brother was giving him.

Tbc…

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A/N: A sad day for mankind when kids and women can bully and beat up men…Not! 

Read & Review, please.


	7. Of Icky Girls and Scary Moms

Title: Look Who's Talking!

Authoress: Ladya C. Maxine

Rating: K

Summary: see chapter one

Warnings: see chapter one

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of its characters. Any and all unrecognizable characters belong solely to me and are not to be used by others. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intent to entertain.

* * *

"DAAAAAAAAAAD!"

Glancing up from the scroll he was reading, Inutaisho raised a brow, but didn't think much of the scream. Inuyasha screaming in utter terror was a daily event. When one had Sesshoumaru as a 'playmate' one was easily forgiven for running through the palace shrieking one's head off.

Both brothers had been sent into the gardens by their mothers to do something 'productive'. Sesshoumaru tended to interpret this as doing something 'destructive', usually to his little brother.

Inutaisho could already hear Inuyasha's loud footfalls as the pup neared. The second series of feet weren't that great a surprise either. Sesshoumaru would usually race ahead of the other to get a head start on denying any wrongdoing, or he'd chase the hanyou down and make sure that he didn't tattle.

So the day was shaping up to be just another day in the inu-household.

"FATHER!"

Throwing the scroll away, Inutaisho grabbed his swords and leapt over his desk, ready to intercept. He could not remember the last time he heard Sesshoumaru scream like that; other than the day Inuyasha was born and Sesshoumaru had been near hysterics at the thought of being related to the squirming bundle in Izayoi's arms.

The level of fear in his heir's voice was genuine. Something had to be horribly wrong.

Sou'unga drawn and a "Gokuryuuha" on the tip of his tongue, he burst through the doors, scanning the spacious hallway for the enemy as both Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru slid to a halt before him, eyes wide and breathing very labored. However, both were uninjured. Had something happened to their mothers?

"DAD!" Inuyasha cried, on the verge of tears, grabbing Inutaisho's left leg. "SAVE ME!"

"Wha--"

"He's not worth the effort. Save _me_! I'm your heir!" Sesshoumaru argued, grabbing the other leg.

Their screams aside, the palace was silent. No guards were shouting and there was no alarm. There was no threatening scent in the air and the sky outside was clear blue and smoke free. There were no invading armies marching across the lands or scaling the walls and his sharp ears picked up the daily talk of the servants as they went about doing their duties. And, though hundreds of yards away, he could make out the two figures of Larika and Izayoi through the window, sitting peacefully on the lawn, engaged in conversation as they drank tea.

Sheeting Sou'unga with a tired sigh, Inutaisho glared down at the two. Inuyasha had sunk to the ground, clutching his throat and gagging. Sesshoumaru was on his knees, wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his haori madly.

"It's too late…" Inuyasha croaked, laying on his back as if mortally injured. "…I'm a goner…The poison has spread…too…far…"

Poison? Naturally, past experience made him turn to Sesshoumaru with an accusing look. However, his eldest wasn't fairing any better. Looking downright nauseous, arms wrapped around his stomach, Sesshoumaru was shivering.

Crouching down, he grabbed the pup by the face and forced his mouth open, looking for any sign of the cause of their panic. Had they eaten something they shouldn't have? A poisonous berry? A rotting carcass they had found hidden underneath some shrubs (It had happened in the past, thanks to a stupid dare instigated by Sesshoumaru)? Sesshoumaru's fangs were clean, no berry juice or shredded skin to be found. Leaning over Inuyasha, Inutaisho repeated the examination, which also turned up nothing.

"What's going on?" he snarled, growing tired of the situation.

Inuyasha promptly 'died', his head flopping to one side with his tongue sticking out. Rolling his eyes, Inutaisho turned to Sesshoumaru, whose eyes were beginning to lose focus.

"Well?" he insisted. "And don't even think about dying until you've at least answered the question!"

"It was horrible…So horrible…" Sesshoumaru moaned, a sickly shade of green. "We were caught off guard…No one could help us…We were defenseless…It happened so fast…"

Inuyasha 'miraculously' returned to the living world to help fill in the blanks.

"Mama told us to leave them alone so that they could talk…We were sitting by the pond…Sesshoumaru was going to push me in--"

"I was not!" came the suddenly very sober denial before his eldest went back to the skillful art that was dying-with-style.

"--We were both looking at our reflections in the water…and then…and then…Argh!"

Once more, Inuyasha kicked the bucket, which was beginning to get very irritating. Luckily, Sesshoumaru managed to gasp out the rest.

"…There were faces in the water…Other reflections…They were standing behind us…We…We turned…And…And…They attacked us! And now we'll surely die!"

And that was the end of the brothers, both collapsing back on the floor in mutual surrender.

Inutaisho stared at them, arms crossed and expression puzzled. Normally, Inuyasha didn't have the capacity, or attention span, to stick to an act for such a long period of time. And Sesshoumaru…Seeing him like this was just disturbing. Gods, were they drunk? Had they somehow gotten into the cellar?

"Am I going to have to use Tenseiga to resurrect you two?" he sighed. "_Who_ did it and _what _did they do? You haven't got a single scratch on you."

Sesshoumaru stirred, weakly opening his eyes.

"…Servant girls…" he whispered hoarsely.

Inuyasha's ears tweaked, a little hand tightening into a fist.

"They…They…They kissed us…" he sobbed.

Both made loud gagging noises and flopped back down.

Inutaisho blinked, then impressively hid his snicker with an extremely well-timed cough.

"I see."

"We're dying of _cooties_, father!" Sesshoumaru finally revealed the true 'horror' of their condition. "We've been infected, and now we shall truly die! Girls are revolting and crawling with germs!"

Inuyasha whimpered, curling into a small ball.

"Their lips were all wet and squishy," he informed. "And they hugged us too!"

"And they're evil!" Sesshoumaru intervened, not to be outdone by his little brother, even when facing 'near certain death'. "After they…kissed us…they laughed, father! They were glowing red and laughing madly! They have cast a spell on us to render our healing powers useless!"

Wait. Wasn't this the son who showed him up during a council meeting after he had been unable to explain the nature of reproduction? Sesshoumaru, Lord of the Know-It-All and King of Superiority, had been brought to his knees by a kiss? Oh, the irony was just too cruel.

"You aren't dying," Inutaisho, feeling some pity towards his sons, finally explained, struggling to keep a straight face. "Girls cannot kill you with a kiss."

"…They can't?" Inuyasha sat up slightly.

"How do you know?" Sesshoumaru challenged, despite being very much healthy and aware of it.

"I am married to your mothers," Inutaisho reminded, getting to his feet.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Inuyasha wondered.

"…The point remains that being kissed by girls is not life-threatening in the least," he quickly dismissed, unwilling to go into _that_ terrain ever again. "And you've been kissed by your mothers before, so I fail to see how you could believe in such preposterous stories like cooties."

"But that's _mom_," Inuyasha said. "That's different. These were strangers! And cooties are real!"

"And disgusting," Sesshoumaru insisted pigheadedly, sitting up and crossing his arms. "And degrading! Servants, father! _Human servants!_ I feel so…violated! And she would have done it again if I didn't pushed her into the pond!"

"You what?"

"Nothing," he said in wide-eyed innocence.

"Sesshoumaru…"

"It was self defense!"

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Inutaisho cursed beneath his breath before leering down at both boys, who fidgeted under his eyes. Adjusting his ponytail, he reached for Sesshoumaru and pulled him to his feet before gripping him by the ear. The pup yelped, trying to twists his head free, but his father was too strong.

"Let's go," Inutaisho commanded, indicating that Inuyasha was meant to come along, which he did without question, wincing sympathetically at his brother's predicament.

With one cursing pup on his right and the other trailing behind him to his left, Inutaisho strode down the hall, reaching the nearest exit that granted them entry to the gardens. Once they reached outside, Inuyasha could not hold it in any longer.

"Dad, where are we going?"

"To the maid quarters."

Risking his ear being ripped off, Sesshoumaru grounded himself and with a resolute tug managed to free himself. Ignoring his now burning red ear, he gaped at his father in deep betrayal.

"I am not going anywhere near those filthy peasants!"

"You are going to apologize, and you are going to mean it. You must have greatly offended that poor girl."

"Offended? _Offended?_ She molested me, father! If anyone has the right to be offended it is me! She dared kiss me, the future Lord of the Western Lands, with her nasty mortal mouth!"

"Sesshoumaru, as a gentleman one must always behave courteously when in the presence of a lady. I will not have it be known that my son and heir is incapable of treating a woman with respect."

Now taking hold of the other ear, Inutaisho continued the walk to the servants' sector, Sesshoumaru resisting the entire way while Inuyasha kept looking for ways to make a fast getaway. When his youngest looked ready to escape through the trees Inutaisho grabbed him by an ear as well.

Upon entering the grounds where the servant barracks were located, they drew many stunned looks. Most of the servants had very little dealing with the royal family, working the lands or harvesting the crops, so the sight of their lord with both his sons in their humble abodes was awe-inspiring, if not a bit bizarre, since both princes were wincing with tears in their eyes as they father pulled them along by their ears.

Finally, though at the same time too soon for the boys, the three were standing before the large building that was the maid house. Female servants gathered here in their free time to relax and enjoy themselves. Since the 'perpetrators' had been girls, Inutaisho was convinced that they would be here; young servants, be they human or youkai, only worked for very brief periods every day and were usually found playing in the servant's quarters or in the fields under the supervision of the palace guards.

Men were not allowed inside, or even on the porch, but being the lord, as well as having a valid reason for being here, he released the boys, who nursed their throbbing ears, and motioned them to follow. Inuyasha quickly obeyed. So did Sesshoumaru, but the scowl on his face could kill the dead. Inutaisho was going to have to keep a closer eye on Inuyasha lest his brother take out his displeasure on the hanyou.

"Do you need me to tell your mother about this?" he threatened.

Sesshoumaru paled. If his mother was to hear what he had done…She frequently boasted about how well mannered and educated he was. With visible difficulty, he managed to adopt his usual indifferent composure once more, though his eyes were boring holes in the back of Inutaisho's head as the lord raised his hand and knocked on the wooden doors.

The voices inside fell silent. There was some shuffling before the sliding door was pushed partially open and a brown eye peeked out, which widened at the sight of the youkai. The woman, no older than Izayoi, opened it the door further.

"M-My Lord!"

Behind her, the women jumped to their feet, stunned and gaping at him. Those who overcame their shock fast enough dared to come up behind the first woman, shyly staring at him, whispering to one another and giggling. Obviously, they had forgotten that inu-youkai had perfect hearing.

"Is that really the lord?"

"He is even more handsome up close!" a teenaged girl whispered to her friend excitedly.

"Lady Izayoi is so lucky!" another muttered.

"Oooh! I wish he was my husband!"

"He's gorgeous!"

"What I wouldn't give to see him naked!"

"I wish I was a youkai too!"

"He's the most beautiful man I have ever seen!"

Admittedly, he was enjoying the appraisal. Most of these women were rather attractive…His smug smirk was broken when a certain voice scoffed.

"Humans really do have bad eyesight," Sesshoumaru determined, having also picked up on their whispering.

All eyes lowered to the two standing before him. The soft gossiping intensified.

"Oh, they are just as good looking as their father!"

"Runs in the family!"

"I have never even seen them before!"

"I once dreamt that I kissed the lord!"

"Inuyasha is so adorable!"

"Prince Sesshoumaru is going to become an even greater man than his father!"

Inutaisho's left brow twitched as Sesshoumaru shot him a _very_ haughty smile. Was it wrong to want to tie one's child to a tree in the middle of a predator-filled wood and leave him there to be devoured? Most likely so. Larika would certainly have something to say about that form of disciplinary method.

"Good afternoon, ladies--" he began politely.

They squealed.

"Such a sexy voice!"

"I'd kill to hear him say my name every day!"

"It makes my heart flutter!"

Waiting for them to calm down, he tried again.

"Forgive us for interrupting--"

"Oh, it's alright, my lord!" one assured, eyes shining.

"We are deeply honored to have you visit us!"

"You can do whatever you want!"

"Feel free to do so whenever you like!"

…Okaaaay. Now it was getting a bit _too_ much. Didn't these women, at least the ones who were old enough, have husbands? There's no way they could have taken in so many single women…

"As I was saying--"

"Oh yes, do forgive_ us_ for interrupting!"

"Yes, do tell us what it is you wish!"

"It must be very important for you to have come all the way down here to tell us!"

"Everything a lord such as yourself has to say must be very wise and important!"

Was this some bizarre ritual? Admittedly, he didn't have much contact with servants who did not work in the palace itself, but surely there wasn't such a difference between the two groups. He was going to make sure that none of these women would ever be promoted to palace worker, just to make sure.

"I am looking for two young girls."

"…Eeeeeeeeeeeeeehh!"

A thundering collection of squeals, giggles and gasps broke out. The women began adjusting their clothes, removing dirty aprons, tying back their hairs and wiping off any smudges on their being. The three males could only stare dumbly until the cackle of hens quieted down, staring at Inutaisho with the most penetrating yet hopeful eyes ever. He had a sinking inkling as to what they were thinking so he quickly went about explaining his mission before things got too out of hand.

"My sons had an encounter with two young servant girls not too long ago," he said. "I have brought them here to bid their apologies to the girls."

Many faces fell. He was scared to think what they had been expecting him to ask…

"…Oh," the maid who had opened the door sighed, though just looking at him made her smile again. "Two girls you say? Tsubaki and Ai have just returned; was it them?"

He turned to the brothers.

"Was it?" he questioned when neither replied.

"I don't care for the names of these simpletons."

Yes, Sesshoumaru was going to be a pain in the royal butt for the rest of the day.

"Was one of them a bit on the wet side?" he asked, turning back to the first woman.

She blushed furiously when his eyes met hers, looking away quickly. And when did she get eye shadow? Coming to think of it, when and where did most of the women suddenly acquire make-up? He was going to have quiz Izayoi about the nature of human servants when they got back.

"Ai was indeed rather damp. She's taking a bath, though she should be done by now."

"Bring them out," he commanded, not liking how one of the maids was practicing kissing with a piece of paper.

"Yes, my lord. Right away!"

Despite her young age, the woman appeared to be the head, or at least one of the higher ranking servants; motioning to another with a wave of her hand, she sent the woman running back into the house to retrieve the girls. The rest remain, still clinging on to hope, waiting for him to enquire more about them. Inutaisho thought it then to be a good time to turn on his heir, who was sulking, which only made the servants giggle. And every time Inuyasha flicked a fluffy ear, they giggled louder.

"Know that this is the last time I do this," Inutaisho told his eldest.

"Promise?"

"From now on I will let your mother deal with situations such as this."

He honestly couldn't understand why the thought of Larika learning about her son's less-than-admirable behavior frightened Sesshoumaru so. Larika wouldn't so much as harm a hair on her precious pup's head. Hell, she'd probably side with their son and threaten the servants for defiling him. Inutaisho could only remember one incident where not even Larika could deny Sesshoumaru's wrongdoing. She had disappeared with his heir for more than a week and had returned with a subdued Sesshoumaru, who had needed almost a year of counseling before he could even make a snide remark to Inuyasha once more.

"My Lord, they're here."

Inuyasha quickly covered his cheeks and Sesshoumaru inched his way behind his father, subtly pushing Inuyasha forward as he did so.

The two girl were staring up at him with big eyes. He guessed them both to be no more than eight. The tallest of the two's hair was still dripping. He smiled (wincing when the accumulation of women sighed loudly) down at the girls.

"Are you alright?" he asked them kindly.

Both nodded mutely, mouths still hanging open. The taller one looked a bit uneasy; she probably thought that he was here to punish her.

"My sons have something they truthfully wish to tell you."

He hadn't seen Sesshoumaru look so betrayed since the time Inutaisho had held him down so that the healer could take his temperature. The usually pale cheeks were bright red, and the eyes were turning an equal shade. Inutaisho returned the threat and Sesshoumaru relented; both knew that Sesshoumaru had yet to master the tricky art that was transforming.

Inuyasha, being either very responsible or just wishing to get it over with as soon as possible, snuck forward, his hands still protecting his cheeks from any stray kisses.

"I'm sorry for screaming," he said in a small voice.

The woman awed right on cue. The girls blushed, the youngest one giggling.

"It was stupid and childish to make such a fuss about a little kiss. I promise I'll never, ever, ever, never do it again. I'm really sorry."

A few women looked as if they were wanted to adopt/kidnap his youngest right then and there. The girls, Inuyasha had paid particular attention to the shorter one, beamed and nodded.

"Thank you, my prince," they said in unison, curtseying demurely.

One down, one (utterly exhausting) to go.

Inuyasha turned and walked back to his father and brother, his face still sincere and angelic. Before he turned to face the women again, however, he shot Sesshoumaru a downright devilishly smug look and Inutaisho had to discreetly push his eldest forward before he could throw himself at his little brother.

Sesshoumaru, going against his natural pride, shuffled towards the girls. He stared at them for a moment, looked back at Inutaisho with an almost desperate look, then, when no help was forthcoming, resigned himself to the degrading task that was apologizing to humans. Still, he made one last attempt to save face:

"What my brother said."

"Sesshoumaru," Inutaisho growled.

If he had been any less haughty Sesshoumaru would have whined out loud.

"What I meant to say…Being the Heir to the Western Lands, and your superior, I was…My brother and I were simply startled by your boldness and we reacted instinctively."

"…And?" Inutaisho pushed when Sesshoumaru seemed to want to leave it at that.

"…And it wasn't a very lordly and superior thing to do, pushing you into the pond…even though you would have easily dodged it if you weren't a simple human," he muttered at the end. Inutaisho heard it all the same. "Anyway, I suppose that, being you descendants' future Lord, I…I…I'm s…s…Iamsorry."

"You're what?" Inuyasha asked, making a show out of cupping his ear.

Sesshoumaru glared over a shoulder.

"I am sorry," he hissed.

"That's okay," Inuyasha grinned. "But you don't have to apologize to me."

Inutaisho, in the mean time, was quickly mapping out a suitable location where he could send Izayoi and Inuyasha for the next few years. Somewhere of reasonable distance, like the moon, until Sesshoumaru cooled down.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" Sesshoumaru snapped, turning back to the girls. "I'm sorry I screamed when you kissed me. I'm sorry I tried to scratch you. I'm sorry I pushed you into the pond. And I'm sorry that I tried to hold you down underwater."

Inutaisho snapped out of his planning. Before he could berate his son from holding that little piece of information from him, someone behind him almost brought the entire building down.

"**YOU WHAT?**"

Birds took the air, the foundation of the building trembled and Sesshoumaru's back stiffened to near-breaking point. Inuyasha's ear began to bleed and Inutaisho felt his eardrums explode. Slowly, the three males turned, Sesshoumaru a heck of a lot slower than his father and brother, trying to prolong his life by a few seconds.

Larika, a dazed Izayoi by her side, was burning. Actually, everything around her was. The nearest tree actually caught fire and Inutaisho could see steam rising off her skin. Wishing to spare at least one of his children, he pulled Inuyasha behind him, out of death's (a.k.a. Larika's) way. Insufferable as he sometimes (read: always) was, Sesshoumaru's fearful expression almost undid Inutaisho. Honestly, what was Larika's secret?

It was really amazing how one as light as Larika could make the ground shake when she stomped. Stalking, or stomping, up the stairs, she brushed by Inutaisho, who actually felt his eyebrows singe at the ends, and towered before her only child. The women, terrified, shut the doors and Inutaisho heard what sounded like furniture being pushed behind it for reinforcement.

"What," Larika hissed, just one forked-tongue shy of outdoing Ryuukotsusei in his most wrathful of moods, "did you do to her?"

"I…I…I…"

Izayoi joined her husband and son. Picking up Inuyasha and wrapping him in the heavy folds of her robes, she looked torn between protecting her child and trying to spare the life of another.

"Does this mean I can get another brother?" Inuyasha asked his parents, rubbing his aching ears. Izayoi shushed him.

Inutaisho's hand was creeping its way up to Sou'unga's hilt. If necessary, he would challenge Larika, despite the fact that she was his equal in battle and now had the adrenaline to even overcome him. If only Sesshoumaru would snap out of it and sweet-talk his way to safety…

"M-mother…"

"You pushed her? You tried to drown her?"

"I—"

"I am disgusted! I am outraged! I did not raise you to treat a woman like that, regardless of her species! Be she youkai, human or even hanyou, YOU DO NOT ATTACK A WOMAN! I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE OF MY LOINS! I AM OF A RIGHT MIND TO…"

Damn, who would have ever thought that Sesshoumaru was capable of crying? Not that he was doing so openly, but those usually cold eyes were now shimmering.

"Dear," Inutaisho, at great personal risk, stepped forward. "I think that our son knows now the gravity of his actions."

Sesshoumaru nodded feverishly.

Larika, however, seemed to have something on her mind, hence the abrupt end of her rant. She studied her son pensively, but at least she was calmer.

"You have disappointed me terribly, Sesshoumaru," she said. "I never wanted to do this, especially not to you, but you have left me no other choice."

Sesshoumaru blanched.

"No, mother! Please, I beg you!" He fell to his knees, near hysterics and gripping her gown tightly. "I'll do anything! I'll even be nice to the hanyou! Just please, PLEASE, don't bring me back there!"

Larika watched him with almost sympathetic eyes, but her mind was made up.

"Pack some clothes. We'll be going for a week."

"But mother--!"

"If you will not listen to me then I will have to take you to someone who will make sure you listen to them."

Sesshoumaru, with a look that nearly broke Inutaisho's heart, shakily climbed to his feet, eyes tearful. Having pity on him, Izayoi offered him her hand.

"I'll help you pack," she offered. She shared a solemnly knowing look with Larika. "Is this not a bit too extreme, though?"

"He has to learn," Larika insisted, her will steady, though clearly chipping the longer she looked at her defeated son.

Inutaisho, puzzled, sheeted Sou'unga and came over to stand next to his first wife on the porch. Together they watched as Izayoi led Sesshoumaru, who didn't even oppose to them making bodily contact, away. Once they were out of sight, Inutaisho looked over at Larika, whose eyes were tearing.

"Dear…what have you done?" he asked, worried.

"What I know will be for the best. He'll never do something like that again when we return. Still…I hate having to put him through the same experience twice."

"You mean last time? When he had needed yearlong therapy?"

She nodded.

"If I may ask, where are you taking him?"

"To someone who will talk some sense into him. To someone who will set him straight with a good lecture on manners and etiquette." She turned to him with a grave face. "I'm taking him to my mother."

"…Can't I just kill him now and spare him the pain?"

Tbc…

* * *

Yeah, no Ryuukotsusei in this chapter. So, naturally, I just added the next best thing; every man's greatest enemy: The mother-in-law!

**_evil cackle _**

Read & Review, please.


	8. Birthday BASH

Title: Look Who's Talking

Authoress: Ladya C. Maxine

Rating: PG

Summary: see chapter one

Warnings: see chapter one

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of its characters. Any and all unrecognizable characters belong solely to me and are not to be touched. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.

A/N: This chapter has been sitting around in my computer for over six months and I finally decided to just post it. I'm not pleased with it but I wanted to get rid of it and write the next one.

* * *

"Can I brush your hair?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Leave me alone."

"I'll tell my mom!"

"I don't care!"

"…Can I brush _your_ hair?"

"Nuh-uh."

"You two are mean!"

Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha shared long suffering looks before turning their attention back to the young girl sitting before them, her arms crossed and cheeks puffed. Next to her sat an older girl, supposedly twelve, who was ignoring her little sister's tantrum, eyes fixed, much to his displeasure, on Sesshoumaru.

"Rika! They won't let me brush their hair!" the brat whined, tugging on the other's yukata. "Tell them that they have to!"

"You can't make us do anything!" Inuyasha spat, ears flat.

"Can too! This is **our** house! We can do anything we want!"

"Can you get lost?" Sesshoumaru muttered.

"I don't wanna!"

"Wanna bet?" he challenged, flexing his hand and showing off his impressive set of claws.

"Yeah! Wanna bet?" Inuyasha parroted, trying to emulate his brother's actions but falling depressingly short. His nails were hardly what one would consider dangerous, especially since he had the bad habit of eating them.

"Sesshoumaru-kun, do you want something to drink?" Rika suddenly asked, eyes all big and shiny.

"No."

"How about something to eat?"

"I don't eat human food."

"Do you want to take a walk with me through the gardens?"

"I want you both to leave me alone!"

"You came to visit us!" Mika, the brat, argued.

"His mother came to visit you," Sesshoumaru corrected, pointing accusingly at Inuyasha. "She just dragged the rest of us along. I couldn't care less if it's your mother's birthday. I'm not related to any of you puny humans."

"That's great!" Rika exclaimed.

"…Why?"

"Because if you were then it'd be wrong for me and you to continue seeing each other."

"I am not your boyfriend!" Sesshoumaru balked. "And you're older then me! That's just sick!"

"You're almost a hundred," Inuyasha reminded him. "That makes you the eldest."

"Not in human year," Sesshoumaru snarled.

"What? So you're too immature for her?" Inuyasha giggled, earning himself a sound bop on the head. "OUCH!!"

"I'm gonna give you both a new haircut!" Mika decided on her own, removing a pair of sharp scissors from her pink beauty kit.

Having had enough, Sesshoumaru smoothly got to his feet and walked away, leaving Inuyasha to the mercy of the sisters. Stupid hanyou couldn't come up with an equally cunning escape then far be it from him to help the half-breed to survive.

'Stupid hanyou…Stupid humans…Stupid Izayoi…I don't care if it's her sister's birthday! Why did we have to come along? And now they expect me, Sesshoumaru, to entertain a couple of mortal girls? Ha!'

Determined, he stalked down the stairs, following the sounds of adult voices talking merrily in the lounge. The evening meal (which he wouldn't be eating; damn human food) was still an hour away so the adults had converged in multiple rooms throughout the palace, making idle talk about the most boring things imaginable. Honestly, just how long can someone talk about the different types of sandals? Stupid humans.

The room stank of mortals and from his point of view he could see nothing but gowns and robes and legs. Still, the overpowering scent of his father was present. His mother appeared to be elsewhere. Pushing his way through the crowd, trying to pin-point his father's exact location, Sesshoumaru ignored the 'endearing' remarks of how cute he was and how pretty he was. Humans always said the exact same thing. So what if he was far more graceful, pretty, stately and intelligent then them? They're just humans; it wasn't much of a compliment.

"Father," he called out, trapped between two fat women. He was beginning to get peeved at his inability to find his sire. "Father!"

His father was close, but the humans' loud voices drowned out his calls. After a few more attempts, and a growl directed at a woman who couldn't resist pinching his cheek, Sesshoumaru had no choice but to resort to yelps. Though they weren't much louder than the humans' voices, the sounds always triggered a cord inside every youkai parent.

Sure enough, the white material of his father's pants appeared before him as Inutaisho politely pushed his way through the mass. Sesshoumaru quickly latched on.

"Yes?" Inutaisho asked, placing a hand on his son's head, much to the adoration of the women around them.

"I want to go home," Sesshoumaru commanded.

Inutaisho sighed and, much to his son's chagrin, picked the pup up and carried him out of the room on his waist.

"Father," he whined, "I can walk on my own!"

Inutaisho didn't put him down, however, until they were out of the squirming room of bodies and in the empty hall.

"Sesshoumaru," he said, crouching down before his heir, "I know that you'd rather be hung by your thumbs in a dungeon than be here, but this is the eight time you've asked me this this evening and we've only been here for an hour."

"But I hate it here! Those stupid girls just won't leave me alone!"

"Where's Inuyasha?"

"I left him alone with them."

Inutaisho gave him an exasperated look.

"It's not my fault he's so slow," Sesshoumaru defended himself. "How much longer are we going to be here?"

"Till late tonight."

Folding his arms, Sesshoumaru attempted to sneer, but in his aggravated mood it looked more like a pout, which made him look more childish than serious.

"Father, you don't understand. If I have to spend one more minute with those stupid sisters I'll scream!"

"Then why do you spend time with them? I'm sure you can find something to amuse yourself with in this place."

"Yeah, right. Boring paintings; boring sculptures; boring boring…ness. And mother said that I'm not allowed to break anything or hurt anyone! It's not fair!"

Fairness was in the eye of the beholder, clearly.

"Did you consider talking to some of the guests here?"

"We're the only demons."

"Humans are capable of speech you know."

"Talk to humans?" Sesshoumaru gagged at the mere thought of it. "That's disgusting!"

"You get along with Izayoi well enough."

"That's…She's…That's because you make me!"

"That's because she's a kind, patient and pleasant person."

Sesshoumaru shot him a spare-me look.

"As if! The only reason she, and the half-breed, is here is because you couldn't keep your hands to yourself at that human gathering years ago."

Inutaisho sputtered, collected himself and glared.

"You know nothing of the matter. You're just a child."

"At least I know better than to sleep with an ally human's daughter. You were suckered into marrying Izayoi because her father threatened war if you left her alone and pregnant. Even I know that and I'm just a child. You're a sucky role model."

He knew that that had been one insult too far. Whenever his father could think up an excuse/retort/threat, he knew he'd get away with it. When his father went silent, however, with that gleam in his eyes, it meant that severe punishment was imminent.

Ducking, he sprinted past his father, hoping to find his mother, who'd protect him. He was moving fast and convinced that he'd make it when…

"Argh!"

He was grabbed by the waist by arms that could not be persuaded to let go. His own arms were trapped at his side and he could reach down to bite. Whining, he glared up through messy bangs at his father, who was smirking. Way bad sign.

"You seem to have a low opinion of women, my dear child."

"No, that would be you."

"So," his father said, not reacting on that, "I think you should get to know them a bit better."

And before Sesshoumaru could try burning his way to freedom he was carried back into the stuffy, human infested room. Willing his father to burn in hell with his stare, Sesshoumaru could do little more until he was released…on a couch crawling with women. One impressively withering stare from his father warned him that mass execution was not an option.

"Ladies," Inutaisho said, earning the usual giggles and blushes. "May I leave my son with you for a while?"

"But of course, Lord Inutaisho," said one woman with so much makeup on it looked like her face was about to crack. "We were just talking about your wonderful sons. Aren't you just adorable!"

Tears sprang to his eyes when she pinched both his cheeks. Hard. He blinked through the tears, leveling an even look on his father, who grinned back.

"He's feeling neglected because his mother and I are a bit preoccupied with idle talk. Would you be so kind as to dote on him?"

…He wouldn't **dare**! His father wasn't serious!

"Oh, you needn't ask that of us!" said fat woman number one, almost decapitating Sesshoumaru as she grabbed him in a fierce hug, smothering him in her breasts. "The poor thing! You are well loved here, little one!"

Oooh, his father was going to regret this! Swords be damned, he was going to get him back for doing this to him. Sesshoumaru was patient; he'd wait for the right moment, when his father least expected it… Until then, he'd have the endure…

"What a cutie!"

"Soft hair!"

"Would you like some treats?"

"Do you want to sit next to me?"

"Can you count to ten?"

"Aren't you a good boy!"

"What a good boy!"

"Oooooooooooohh!! He's like a huggable puppy!"

Hands pinched and stroked him. Fingers poked and tickled him. Painted mouths stamped icky lip marks all over him. His hair was being braided and his nails were being filed. And worst of all, if he so much as permanently scarred any of these women for life his mother would have a hissy fit. And his father knew it. And the smug jerk hadn't caught fire yet, despite Sesshoumaru's deepest desires! He was standing there, enjoying a glass of something he'd never allow Sesshoumaru to try, grinning like a class-A bad dad, enjoying his son's torture.

That is, until a pretty young human waltzed by, openly eyeing his father from head to toe, and winked. With a coy giggle she disappeared, swaying her hips as she climbed the stairs. His father's grin only widened.

"I trust you can handle him for a few…hours, ladies?" he asked, distracted. "I will return for him later."

"Our pleasure," said what felt like a hundred plus women swarming around Sesshoumaru.

"Father!" Sesshoumaru shouted, feeling his acid boiling, as his father swaggered off after said hussy.

"Awww! He's missing his father already!"

"The poor thing!"

"Do you want a cuddle?"

"I'm cuddling him!"

"I want to cuddle him too!"

"You're too skinny to give a lonely boy a hearty cuddle!"

And it went on forever! Torn between ripping them new nostrils and remembering all that crap his mother had taught him about treating females with respect, Sesshoumaru could do nothing but sit and be manhandled and plot against his father. The problem was, his father was usually a step ahead of him. But he had to have some leverage over his sire. There had to be something he could pit against him that would leave him reeling!

"Sesshoumaru, there you are," Larika said, brushing aside a few people as she walked over. He could tell by her look that she was just barely managing to keep a straight face amongst the humans; his mother liked humans as much as he did. Izayoi was the only one she tolerated, mainly since…well, what choice did she have? Ignoring and hating the woman wouldn't rid them of her, though Sesshoumaru wasn't giving up just yet. "Have you seen your father?"

Sesshoumaru shrugged, about to inform her that he hadn't seen the lord for over an hour, when a devious thought sprang up. No, not a devious thought; a sweet revenge.

"No, mother," he said, speaking in an innocent voice. "I haven't seen him since he went off with that woman."

"Izayoi? I just saw her in the hall."

"No, not Izayoi, mother. Another one. She was very beautiful," it took all his acting skills to say that convincingly, "and she was young and was being **very** friendly with him. Father just left me here and followed her upstairs."

His mother, who had been searching the room for her mate, paused and he could hear the wheels spinning in her mind. The women on the couch scattered when she turned, eyes blazing. Sesshoumaru continued to look at saintly and naïve as possible.

"He went with her?" his mother hissed.

"Yes, mother. Maybe they wanted to talk in private. But why upstairs? There isn't a sitting room up there. Only bedrooms. Why would father want to go to a bedroom, alone, with a pretty human maiden, mother?"

Oh, he was **so** good at this. Her body was beginning to give off heat and people were beginning to evacuate the room. Larika rose, eyes deep pits of raging fire and face as cold as stone. Sesshoumaru couldn't resist.

"He also told me not to disturb them. What could they be doing that's so important, mother?"

"INUTAISHO!!"

Screaming and crying, the guests were battling each other as they stampeded out of the room. Larika roughly shoved the unfortunate ones out of her way, even stepping on those who had fallen in their flight to safety. When she couldn't get through the jammed doorway she blasted away the nearest wall and stormed on, her heals cracking the stone floor as she stomped towards the stairs. Even after she was gone the humans continued to flee until Sesshoumaru was left alone in a ravaged but deliciously silent room.

Feeling mighty proud of himself he sighed and folded his hands behind his head, leaning back onto the soft cushions. Something plopped down next to him on the couch. Thinking it to be a human, Sesshoumaru growled and turned to face it. His displeasure quickly turned to amusement and he sat up, grinning like a dog with the world's largest bone. This night just kept getting better and better.

"Looking good," he taunted.

Inuyasha, sporting a short and badly cut hairstyle, and a very sour expression, sneered.

"Thanks a bunch for leaving me with those two!" he grumbled, nursing a nicked ear. He looked as if he had just fought his way out of hell itself; his skin was scratched and bruised and his clothes were ruffled and torn. "I hate this place!"

Sesshoumaru opened his mouth to say something but an explosion from somewhere upstairs left both their ears ringing.

"INUTAISHO, YOU BASTARD!! GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT WHORE!!!"

Rubbing an aching ear, Sesshoumaru's grin widened.

"Actually," he said, grabbing a glass of wine from a nearby tray and taking a sip, "I really enjoyed myself."

Tbc…

* * *

Read & Review, please. 


	9. Kappa Capers

Title: Look Who's Talking

Authoress: Ladya C. Maxine

Rating: PG

Summary: see chapter one

Warnings: see chapter one

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of its characters. Any and all unrecognizable characters belong solely to me and are not to be touched. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.

* * *

"…Aaaannnddd…what do I do with it?"

"He will serve to your every needs for the rest of your life."

Sesshoumaru didn't like that idea. Kneeling before the tiny demon shivering next to Inutaisho's desk, the pup poked it carelessly with a sharp claw, drawing blood. The miserable thing squawked and scrambled beneath the heavy furniture, bulbous eyes staring out at the two taller demons.

"…It's a frog," his son concluded, wiping his bloody claw on the carpet.

"It's a kappa, and he is your new retainer."

"Don't want it."

"Sesshoumaru, this is not an option. Every demon lord needs a retainer."

"Well then I want a bigger one."

"A lord's greatness is not measured by his possessions."

"Then why do you have _three_ swords?"

"Because one is to go to each of you when I pass on to rest with the other rulers of the—"

"But you won't be dying anytime soon!" his firstborn bemoaned, throwing himself into a chair and pouting. "What am I supposed to do until you finally kick the bucket? I bet I could conquer all of Japan in one day if I had those swords now. And what about the third sword? I'm getting that one too, right?"

"And why should you?"

"I'm your son."

"I have two sons."

"I'm your favourite son."

Confident little…

"You are both my offspring and I love you both just as much…when you aren't making me regret consummating my marriages to your mothers. You will be receiving _one_ sword _each_, Sesshoumaru, when you're ready for it. For now, you need a retainer and I put a lot of effort into finding this one."

"You fished it out of the pond outside your bedroom, didn't you?"

"Which just so happens to be biggest, deepest pond on the palace grounds, I'll have you know."

"And you didn't do the fishing yourself; you got one of the servants to dive to the bottom to get it."

"The best servant we have."

"Why do I need another servant anyway? I have plenty to boss around already. It's hard, bullying so many different people all the time. One more is just extra work."

"This one will be your personal servant, who will both teach you and entertain you."

"I already have teachers, and the runt is entertaining enough."

"About that: burying your brother alive in a pit filled with venomous things with eight legs is _not_ humorous. Now you _will_ take this kappa and you two _will_ form a lifelong bond and you _will_ develop some sense of compassion!"

Sesshoumaru rolled his eyes but slipped out of the chair, reached under the desk, grabbed the confused creature by a leg and dragged it out of the room, almost shutting its head in the door.

Inutaisho wondered if anyone else feared the future of these lands as much as he did.

* * *

**_The next day…_**

"Father?"

"Yes?"

"My kappa broke."

"…He _broke_?"

"Can I get a new one that will properly bounce when I throw it off the roof?"

"Sesshoumaru, what possessed you to throw your retainer off the roof?"

"How else was I going to get it down after I threw it up there in the first place?"

"Why were you throwing him around in the first place?"

"I was trying to make it more interesting. Can the next one also have longer legs? It's bothersome having to kick it ahead of me all the time to make it keep up with me."

"I will get you another one, seeing how important it is you find a good retainer, but you will take better care of him, understood?"

"I suppose."

* * *

**_The next, next day…_**

"Father?"

"Hn?"

"When a kappa lies perfectly still in a pool of its own blood, after having convulsed violently, and its head is twisted all the way around and its tongue is really swollen, does it mean that it's dead?"

"I'm…pretty sure it does."

"Then my kappa's dead."

* * *

**_The next, next, next day…_**

"Father?"

"Yes?"

"Under…certain circumstances, do kappas naturally melt?"

"No."

"Oh."

* * *

**_The next, next, next, next day…_**

"Father, do you like your soup?"

"It's actually delicious, yes."

"I made it."

"Did you now?"

"Yup."

"I've never tasted anything like it before. What's in it?"

"Kappa."

Inutaisho looked down into his half empty soup bowl to find a bulbous yellow eyeball staring back at him.

**_

* * *

_**

**_The next, next, next, next, next day…_**

"Servant, where's father?"

"He's still recovering in his chambers, my prince."

"Then _you_ get me a kappa."

"I'm afraid there are none left in the pond."

"I'll burn you."

"…You know, I think I heard a few croaking in the lake."

"Are the ones in the lake capable of growing back missing limbs?"

"I'm not sure…"

"…Bring me two while you're at it."

* * *

**_The next, next, next, next, next, next day…_**

"Father, did you know that, if you stretch them just enough, without snapping their spines, kappas make awesome slingshots?"

Inutaisho turned away and went back to sleep.

* * *

**_The next, next, next, next, next, next, next day…_**

Inutaisho sighed, staring through his fingers at the fluffy white puppy with red eyes before him on the grass, hacking and coughing.

"Yes, Sesshoumaru, kappas _can _be choking hazards."

* * *

**_The next, next, next, next, next, next, next, next day…_**

"Father?"

"Sesshoumaru, I am getting fed up with you continuously squishing, burning, skinning, drowning, losing and/or trying to send your retainers to the moon, so, for today, I won't be hearing whatever it is you've done the last one."

"I didn't do anything to it."

"…Oh. Then what can I help you with?"

"My kappa walked in on mother changing and she threw out the window…"

"Then go get him."

"…and it landed in the human's garden while she was planting some roses…"

"There you go. He's in safe hands with Izayoi."

"…and she freaked out and threw it back into mother's room."

"Then ask you mother if you can have him back."

"…Mama dropped a chest on it…"

"He could still be alive…"

"…Then she threw it back outside and the human freaked out again and whacked it high into the air with a shovel and then a big demon crow flew down and ate it whole. See, kappa's are too edible!"

"You're still banned from the kitchen."

"I want another kappa."

"Perhaps you aren't ready for a retainer. You're still too young."

"Being a kid sucks."

"Wait until you have one of your own…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"Can I have a flying, fire-breathing, two-headed, brown dragon in the meantime?"

"Certainly not!"

"Too late. I already found one. Can I keep it inside the palace?"

"Never!"

"But, father, I've already found it the perfect den."

"DAAAAAAAAAAAD, THERE'S A DRAGON IN MY ROOM!!!!!" a terrified voice shrieked from upstairs.

"Speaking of which, do you think hanyous can be choking hazards for dragons?"

* * *

**_Many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many YEARS later…_**

"Jaken."

"Y-Yes, Lord Sesshoumaru?"

"Can you bounce?"

"…My lord?"

"Answer the question."

"I-I-I'm pretty s-sure that us kappas aren't m-made for b-bouncing, my lord."

"Hm."

"…H-H-How do you sug-suggest I get out of this v-v-very tall tree you t-th-threw me i-in, m-my lord?"

Turning away from where a little girl was busy twisting flowers into the manes of her flying, fire-breathing, two-headed, brown dragon, Sesshoumaru looked up at the quivering creature high in the branches above him with a mischievous gleam in his eyes and a barely visible yet childishly devious smile on his face.

"Perhaps I _can_ assist you…"

Tbc…

* * *

A/N: Couldn't resist adding that last part XD

Read & Review, please.


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